Feel real now (Briony)

There were clouds gathering, unfurling darkly over his head and slowly blanketing the school grounds.

His books, quill, and ink pot were strewn on the grass fluttering in the crisp October air. It was the start of their 7th and final year. He’d just finished his History of Magic paper, scratching out the last few sentences in amiable silence with Portia Islad, his fairly new Hufflepuff friend. She was a calming presence, with or without words. And he appreciated it more than he could say, because his insides could use a break from the constant turmoil.

Briony had always been somewhat hot-or-cold. He’d thought they were hot again—they certainly had the summer to back it up. But for the past month since they’d returned to Hogwarts, it was nothing but gloom-and-doom, chilled shoulder, and an indiscernible look of melancholy he couldn’t penetrate. And boy, was he growing tired of trying. This time, he admitted, he wasn’t chasing after her as much.

He found himself gravitating towards the relatively simpler friendships offered in Abby, and now Portia. N.E.W.Ts were no joke and just around the corner, as was the rest of his life. He wanted Briony to be a part of it as much as ever. But he would give her the space she clearly needed. And that’s what he’d been doing that tempestuous afternoon, waiting for the rain, spilled on the grass with his new, fairly attractive Hufflepuff friend, when the storm arrived in billowing Slytherin green robes.

Felix was on his back and Briony was upside down as she walked up to them, tense like a coiled spring. He’d had no time to sit up.

“It’s over. Just thought you’d like to know.”

By the time he twisted around and sat upright, Briony was gone in a flash. Felix had no choice but to leave Portia in their mess of scrolls and books, scrambling to his feet, stupefied as he was, tangled in his own robes as he sprinted after her, shouting her name.

“Briony! I said wait, goddammit!” He’d chased her down a darkening hall. The thunder rumbled the flagstones beneath their feet but it was in those blue eyes that the lightning flashed when she whipped around to face him.

When he pulled himself out of it, Felix was sitting out of sight on a chair against a glass wall in relative low-light. He was cradling a snifter in one hand, legs crossed, eyes lidded. The crowd before him, thinned out since he was last there, were either cutting loose on the spinning dance floor or mingling casually from table to table. The atmosphere of the reception felt informal and uninhibited this late at night. He spotted Abby laughing loudly, probably drunk, as she balanced herself on John’s lap and force-fed him wedding cake—probably her payback for having cake at a wedding. In the end, she finally seemed to be enjoying herself. Briony and Portia would be relieved to see the sight.

He was content to reflect in solitude about the unexpected bomb dropped by Bella—surely thinking it was not only old, but common knowledge. It had been easy to curtail his reaction at the time—Felix had merely remarked with a “wow”, and nervous nodding of his head. He couldn’t help avoiding eye contact with Briony the rest of the time at the table, however, which she undoubtedly took notice of after they’d been getting on so well. That was when he’d excused himself with an unconvincing smile and escaped to the bar to drink as many martinis as he could stand before fresh air called his name and he’d run into Portia and her partner.

He would have gone to the bar again upon returning to the greenhouse if he hadn’t perfected his Refilling charm. And if he’d come down from his bubbleweed-induced high sooner. The hallucinatory effects had ceased—no more dancing pixies with the rest of the witches and wizards on the dance floor—but his head still felt pleasantly light, not unlike the bubbles he’d been blowing with Portia. He thought back on the aromas the bubbles he blew had produced for him, all mostly Ripples-related, save for one he was still having trouble recalling.

There was a parent that caught his eye, kid knocked out on his shoulder. Felix remembered what that weight felt like and what it meant to him as a new dad. Ripples being too old to carry now, Felix shouldered a different weight he fully intended to lighten, no matter how long it might take to make repairs. Portia had cast her magic upon him once again with her invaluable advice outside the greenhouse. Invaluable advice and dank bubbleweed. And now he felt free. Free to sink back into silly, should-be-long-forgotten memories of a long-forgotten teenage romance with the wedding caterer. He wasn't quite sure how he felt yet, knowing Briony had technically been unfaithful when she kissed Kronos, an ex-mate of his, and possibly more while they were still a couple.

The sky was softly roaring with hints of what felt like an imminent storm. Briony wiped her face clean of regret-ridden tears as she made her way to the school grounds. She had surprised herself crying that morning and failed to stop herself from doing so all throughout the day. As uncommon as it was for her to cry, it wasn’t something she could control this time. The anxiety had mixed with her emotions, and the truths she’d been keeping to herself anchored her to such delicate state almost like a punishment.

When the prospect of honesty failed to ease her discomfort, she began to fabricate the words in her head. But how does one get away with saying less when so much is expected to be said?

Kronos’ face kept appearing to her, even though she hadn’t seen him since arriving at Hogwarts. She imagined he too was figuring things out. But their kiss continued to play in her head like a broken record she didn’t want to hear anymore. It haunted her day and night. Her feelings for him had not changed despite the chaos their last encounter had brought to her life. She still cared deeply about him and was grateful for having someone like him in her life to trust and count on, and they had made a promise to each other she needed to keep.

Briony spotted Felix…and Portia. She tried to convince herself to walk away, but the flurry of emotions tied to the unwavering jealousy she felt towards the polite witch sharing his space fueled her with a desperate sense of urgency. She couldn’t explain what it was or what it meant, but something within her propelled her forward in what she very much knew would be yet another reckless act she’d regret in the morning.

“It’s over. Just thought you’d like to know.”

The words shot from her lips and she immediately regretted them. She turned as fast as she could, walking fast before quickening her pace to a sprint. The sky cried louder as she heard him calling out for her. She couldn’t understand herself. Was it Portia? Was it easier to punish him for assuming they’d betrayed her the same way she and Kronos betrayed him? Was this better than the truth?

“Briony! I said wait, goddammit!”

She turned to face him, but all she could see was Kronos. She was back at the cave. Their clothes pilled on a rock. Their bodies bare in the water. His voice reverberating in the hollows of her consciousness. “We shouldn’t,” he’d said. “Felix is my friend. And you’re just upset about that girl. Trust me, she means nothing to him.”

“I have to go,” she said to Felix. “Please, just let me go.”

By the time Briony got back to her room, the sky had somehow allayed its whimpering.

Briony tried to suppress the humiliation as she made her way to the bar. These feelings were old, but they were still very much a profound part of her. Yes, they had remained hidden in her subconscious, but with her, nonetheless. She realized she couldn’t be mad at Bella beyond slighting her somewhat for putting her in such a sticky predicament.

Yes, I kissed Kronos that summer.

She would’ve told him the minute she saw him if she thought it was something he’d deserve to know after so many years. But she’d learned to ignore the guilt a long time ago, before leaving Hogwarts. It was the only way she could tolerate being around him during their last year at school.

She didn’t think herself important enough still for this to be that big of an issue now. And she was not about to drag her heart around over an old mistake. But the part of her that had saved the guilt was relentless. And the way his eyes left her when Bella's words reached him was hard to overcome.

“Vodka on the rocks, please,” she ordered at the bar.

She wandered the greenhouse, trying hard not to take down her enitre drink in just one swig. Felix’s face reappeared, disenchanted and almost entirely unreachable. She watched as he took in his surroundings, gentle in his steps, but visibly burdened by something. This man who had been so important to her was once again retreating to an empty space apart from her. She wanted to reach out and pull him in to where she could see and touch him, but she wasn’t sure he would want to be so close to her now that he was probably wondering if she had ever really been worth it.

She remembered how she felt the day he left her uncle’s beach house that one fateful summer. She was upset, mostly at herself, of course. She was sure she’d just let go of something that could’ve been great, but unsure of how she’d ever convey that to him. His face was now very much what it was that day he decided to walk out. And she hated so much that she was the one responsible for making him so damn upset...again.

“I don’t…I don’t know what to do, Kronos.”

They were back at the beach house, comfortably situated on the living room couch. Briony’s head rested on Kronos lap. He played with the sleeve of her dress while sipping on some freshly made hot cocoa. The remorse had set over the both of them like an icy storm. Their forbidden kiss emerging intermittently over every other small thought.

“Who does, Bri? We’re just kids, aren’t we?”

She turned to look up at him. In that moment, their eyes locked on each other’s, and even though the words would not come out, they knew exactly what the other was promising. It was almost like an unbreakable vow. Felix can never know.

He wasn’t sure why he did it at first, but he listened to her.

They’ve been here before. She’d gotten away before. But there was a certain finality to the moment—surely they were in the eye of the storm on its way out. He had no choice but to listen to her, to let her go. Wordlessly, he did. Felix let go of the arm he hadn’t even realized he’d been holding. He may never fully understand why they denied themselves the magic of being together—and it was magic—but when he looked into her eyes that stormy afternoon, he believed everything he saw in them: pain, exhaustion—and the loathing. There was so much of it it scared him. His tears came hot and fast, spilled like rain before the sky cracked open and it started to pour.

“Okay.” And he nodded shakily because he trusted her—even with puckered eyebrows, swollen eyes, and trembling lips. He’d brave the storm of letting her go because she was going, with or without him, and he didn’t want to be the one to cause any more loathing in those eyes.

She was still terrifying, and strange, and beautiful, he noted as he observed her black-suited figure from his seat in the shadows. His heart throbbed slightly and he couldn’t put a name to what exactly he was feeling as she weaved artfully through the corners of the greenhouse. He decided he wasn’t fond of bubbleweed after all. It should come with a warning not to imbibe if one was feeling particularly sentimental as all it did was ferment any strong feelings for the remainder of the high. Not that his drink wasn’t guilty of doing much the same.

He wondered about 17-year-old Briony as his eyes left 33-year-old Briony to her devices and he sipped from his snifter. He wondered how much guilt she must have felt to push her to the events on that stormy afternoon—and how much of that loathing in her eyes he would never forget was directed at herself. He knew how much guilt he had felt in the days and weeks that followed. But the desire to have the cut clean rather than messy as they had historically been was too great, and the love that poured from his friends and family was too healing. Before the year was out, before Christmas even, Felix was offering her smiles in the hallways between lessons.

Maybe it was the mixture of alcohol swirling through his veins, but when he noticed present in-the-flesh-and-breathing Briony watching him curiously he met her gaze in earnest, and offered her that same conciliatory smile. He kept his eyes on hers as he tipped the rest of the bourbon into his mouth and got up from his seat. The ensuing vertigo only delaying him by a second, Felix steadily closed the short distance between them. Usually Felix would be looking down the 6 inches he loomed over her, but tonight his eyes barely flickered to meet hers in her heels. He enjoyed that—not having to come up with any excuse to come face-to-face with her. So, emboldened with liquid courage, his eyes openly swept over her face, from her cropped blonde fringe down to her strong chin. That was when the mystery third scent from the bubbleweed bubbles he’d blown made itself known to him: something warm and a little spicy—Briony’s perfume. In response, the smile returned weakly to his lips, reaching his eyes as he tilted his head slightly and sighed.

“Gotta say, I’m feeling a little peckish. D’you know if I could bribe you into joining me in finding something sweet?”

Briony remained almost entirely expressionless as he approached her. She wasn’t sure how much had changed in the interim, but she could only imagine he had a lot of questions. The drink in her hand got less irresistible now that it began to sweat. Her nerves were slowly going away as she adjusted herself to confront whatever truths he’d be wanting to know.

Gotta say, I’m feeling a little peckish. D’you know if I could bribe you into joining me in finding something sweet?

Though she wanted to seem amused by his comment, the confusion of the unexpected remark became very evident before she could take control of it. She looked down in an attempt to shake off the anxiety that had been collecting at the prospect of his words. She wanted to believe that he had chosen to ignore Bella’s dramatic reveal, but the drink in his hand made it clear to her that enough alcohol had played a part in diverting, or at least postponing the inevitable questions.

She tilted her head slightly upwards to look at him, a sort of smile creasing top of her cheeks. “Lucky for you I know where all the sweets are hidden,” she said, taking a big sample of her watered down vodka. “But I’d like a refill first,” she said, lifting her glass a bit. “If you don’t mind.”

It was hard to look at him directly in the eyes. She felt bad for having corrupted their reunion with an almost forgotten mistake from her childhood. But she couldn’t deny the weight of it now. He had seemed like someone she could easily escape this whole stupid wedding with. If only to distract herself from the world she had been running away from for so long. If only to reminisce on the years in between their last and recent encounter. But that feeling quickly dissipated with the arrival of a much more oppressive creature. The past she had chosen to bury.

“I can’t stand to be around him anymore. Not because of anything other than myself.” Briony whispered, her potions book digging into her thighs.

“I know the feeling,” Kronos reacted.

They were sitting on the floor in a corner of the library. It was Christmas and they had both opted to stay at Hogwarts. Kronos had invited her to help out with some research he had to complete, and she had agreed hoping it would remedy her feelings.

“You seem to be disguising your feelings very well if you ask me,” Briony said as she closed the book and put it back in her bag.

“I feel like I have less to lose, and I guess it’s my way of making sure we both keep our sanity in all of this.” Kronos was her ally in this. They were in it together, for better or worse. It wasn't something she wanted to brag about. She didn't want to look back at this moment 20 years down the line and have it be the reason the stuck around, to protect their dirty little secret. But she was at least grateful she had someone to share the burden with. Even it meant they had to sneak away from everyone else every now.

“That’s fucked up,” she answered, starring aimlessly down the aisle of books ahead. “But thank you.”

She hid it well. Her anticipation had almost gone unnoticed behind her feigned mask of control. The confusion that marked the space between her brows was short-lived as a shooting star, smothered by a stunningly measured smile and the tempting promise of something sweet after something a bit stronger. Felix only stared at her, and smiled. She wouldn’t meet his gaze. He followed her closely as she cut through the willow’s canopy—and could just as clearly see her slicing through the gate at 9 ¾ onto the train that carried them into their magical lives. Felix let himself be carried again now.

On the other side, plummeted anew into the strangely calming and cooling air surrounding the willow, Felix could feel his skin simultaneously prickle from the cold and become flush from an unidentifiable source of heat. His head swam with the same warm and spicy scent from before—Briony’s perfume, right. Suddenly he found himself stood at the bar with Briony ordering a drink next to him. He couldn’t help noticing how even she softened under the dim lights of the willow bar, her sharp lines softly illuminated, short hair made of soft light. His head swam again and he drank from his glass. It was full again. He must have ordered another drink.

She didn’t want to talk about it, he thought. He didn’t know if he wanted to bring it up either. Felix was leaning against the bar, facing her, taking her in still—as ever. Whether she still willfully wouldn’t meet his gaze or not, she was facing the direction of the bar. Felix doubted her eyes were as focused on any one thing as they seemed. The tension in her shoulders was real though—as his eyes flitted between them and her face, Felix wondered what it was she was waiting for. She was coiled like a spring. He almost smiled at her again. As if there were anything he could possibly say that would make a difference. He actually smiled then as he looked down at her profile, his jaw resting against his fist. How strange. She didn’t really know him anymore, did she. He didn’t know her any better. They were as good as strangers, these old lovers—a paradox standing in the flesh. So what did 15 years ago matter, he thought, if they were different people now. He didn’t know this Briony Lewis. Not really.

Quite before realizing it, in a spike of both hot and cold, Felix had reached out to her face with his other hand. He felt the softness of her blonde fringe between the knuckles of his index and middle fingers. He kept following the short strand of hair down the side of her face with his fingers until it slipped from between the tips, his thumb sweeping a coarse kiss across the apple of her cheek.

Briony danced before his eyes before he noticed his head was swimming again. The haziness strengthened the closer he was to her, he vaguely noticed. Felix didn’t blink or shake his head. He simply bowed his head close to hers, breathing in her air as he waited for her to face him.