Edurus Callisis [Felix]

“I wouldn't mind if our wedding looked like this someday.”

Portia looked at Nadia with an amused smirk, as if to show awareness of their teasing. The couple strolled arm on arm past the greenhouse entrance and continued their way around the structure. Portia had not been able to stop herself from regularly noting to Nadia how nervous coming here made her. Nadia, who had been to The Greenhaus years before, had suggested a walk through the gardens behind the greenhouse to take a break from the reception. They were also, clearly, trying to distract her by bringing up their own hypothetical nuptials. Nadia had hinted they would propose to her for almost a year now, but nothing had happened. She was pretty sure she would say yes, but a part of her was also glad they were taking their time. After all, they were as good as married already.

“It truly is quite a beautiful venue,” Portia responded, looking up at the twinkling, floating lights inside the greenhouse roof.

“If only the grass was magicked into not buckling under my heel,” grunted Nadia, and Portia felt herself being pulled a step back. “Sorry P. ”

Her heel had dug into a patch of soft ground and was now partially covered in sticky dewy grass.

“I can help with that,” said Portia, letting go of her arm and pulling her wand out from the lazy knot keeping her hair together. While Nadia took her own wand from her pocket to clean her heel Portia whispered Edurus Callisis to create a stone path towards the garden.  

“It is so sexy when you that whole” --they dramatically gestured pulling an invisible wand from behind their head and shaking the hair off their face --"thing...”

Portia chuckled and gave her a quick kiss before they continued forward. To their left there was a rustic wooden bench, positively surrounded by bushes full of small flowers. It faced a grand carousel, fashioned in an intricate rococo style. Portia gasped at the sight and softly punched Nadia’s arm as an expression of how delighted she was. Nadia grinned to themself, pleased they had guessed exactly how Portia would react. They loved her so very much.

"Wow," was all Portia could said as they both stood in front of the bench.

“Perfect backdrop for a bit of snogging,” Nadia assured her, grabbing her girlfriend by the waist and giving her a gentle kiss.

By the time Felix had exited the greenhouse, he was three martinis in and in dire need of a breather. So far the evening had proved to be… most unpredictable. His schoolmates were all forces to be reckoned with. And he thought he’d had it rough these last 15 years.

He would head back in eventually. Briony Lewis (now an awe-inspiring figure to behold) and he had chatted briefly, and he was genuinely interested in hearing more about her – and he tried not to feel weird about that interest. Maybe not while the snake Danvers was slithering around though.

He really wished he hadn’t forgotten his glasses. The night was quickly descending upon them and he’d barely had a thing to eat that could soak up all the gin and vermouth he’d imbibed (unless he was counting the cocktail olives). That on top of his poor eyesight and he was lucky he didn’t end up headfirst in a bush. But the evening was cool and refreshing on his hot face and he breathed in the overly fragrant, almost sickly sweet air deep into his lungs.

He was in the garden now, having followed the twinkling lights without much thought. It was quite a stunning carefully curated piece of land. “The Greenhaus Garden is one of the most coveted magical venues for all the celebrations of note in a witch or wizard’s lives,” or so he’d remembered reading in an older article published in his newspaper, The Daily Veritaserum. It wasn’t hard to see why.

Felix allowed himself a moment of self-pity as he stared forlornly at the petunias. He was plus one-less in one of the most romantic places he’d been in years. He could barely remember the last date he’d wined and dined. Nowadays the most romance he’d had were the lively strolls through the park with Nelson, his single dad mate, and the elaborate candlelit dinners in his dining room with Ripples (they dressed up and usually had mac and cheese). Felix was well-aware he was an inherently romantic bloke and he couldn’t say he didn’t sometimes miss the romancing.

It was in this moment of self-pity that he heard a soft delighted gasp from the garden bench he’d walk past. When he turned, it was to the sight of Portia Islad being kissed by a woman.

His first invasive thought was how even Portia had better luck with women than he was having, but this was almost immediately washed over with a strong rush of embarrassment he could feel all the way to the tips of his ears. Bugger. Bugger, bugger, bugger. He quickly realized there was no way he could sneak past them without going unnoticed, but he felt entirely too much like the discordant note in the beautiful symphony of their romantic display. So he tried to force himself through the bushes of petunias.

Portia slipped her hands underneath Nadia’s blazer, caressing the soft fabric of her silk camisole and enjoying the warmth of her back. She gently pushed them closer, but was only able to lose herself in their kiss for a few moments before she heard leaves rustling behind her. She separated her lips from Nadia’s with her eyes still closed and quickly opened them again when she heard Nadia say “Sorry mate.”

She let go of Nadia and turned to see Felix feet first into a now crushed bush of petunias. Her first thoughts where worry and confusion as to why he was walking through the bush and not around the bush. She had noticed how everyone but her seemed to be getting wasted, but then quickly realized he had yet to meet Nadia. Felix and her had spoken at the Hogwarts designated table, but Naida had been indisposed. To Portia’s chagrin, Nadia had been recognized by a couple as their child’s favorite nurse and they had struck up a lengthy conversation that left Portia to endure the classmate-greeting portion of the evening alone. It occurred to her that seeing their kiss was probably more awkward for him than it was for her, and probably required a bit of explanation.

“Hey Felix,” she said, her voice going an octave higher than she intended. “Uh- Felix, this is Nadia. Nadia this is Felix…” she left her voice trail off and gave them what she hoped was a subtle, but loaded look. Yes, that Felix. “Felix, Nadia is my... partner.”

“Nice to meet you mate,” Nadia said, holding out their hand to him, unsure if they were going for a handshake or for some help out of the leaves.

Nadia was a friendly, pleasant presence. She was strong too, hefting him out of the bushes where one of his feet got stuck. Felix held on to her hand a moment longer in appreciation. “Thank you, Nadia. It’s great to meet you, despite what you just saw.”

He finally turned eyes on Portia, willing the last traces of embarrassment away. She was resplendent in her yellow dress. There was something different about the way she was carrying herself. Felix realized he was witnessing Portia living in her truth and in her power, and damned if it wasn’t a beautiful, magnetic thing. He needed to make this right right now.

“I’m so sorry,” he said finally, nose scrunched, in hushed and earnest tones. “I handled that—.... well, I didn’t handle that at all, did I? It’s been a day. And you look incredible, by the way. As—as do you, as do both of you.”

Gods he was so embarrassing. He should just go live under somebody’s stairs.

Felix chuckled lightly as he approached Portia and easily took her hand in his. “Hey, old friend. That was some reunion inside, huh? The things we do for our dear Abby.”

He wasn’t sure if he should hug her—he’d leave that up to her. Instead, he gave her delicate hand a friendly squeeze with his own, smiling fondly down at her lovely, familiar face.

“I handled that—.... well, I didn’t handle that at all, did I? It’s been a day. And you look incredible, by the way. As—as do you, as do both of you.”

“Thank you,” Portia and Nadia replied simultaneously, the latter cocking their head and shooting him an amused, quizzical look while the former looked down at the ground with her signature bashfulness. Diverted, they shared a glanced for a short beat, communicating multitudes to each other with their smiles. Nadia subtly turned their face away to stifle a chuckle. 

“Hey, old friend. That was some reunion inside, huh? The things we do for our dear Abby.”

Portia was slightly taken aback by his touch, but did not twitch away from his hold. His hands felt warm and familiar, even after all these years. She gifted him a sympathetic smile, hey eyes full of kindness. 

“You have no idea...” she said looking towards the darkening sky above them, thinking about last night’s ordeal at the bridal suite. “But I am so glad you’re here,” she continued with sincerity, relieved there was at least one person she didn’t have to pretend she was happy to see. She wanted to hug him, for reasons she couldn’t immediately reckon. The urge was strong enough she found herself putting her arms around his shoulders.

“You’ve been missed,” she whispered into his shoulder. 

Here’s the thing: Felix still feels like Felix. Yes he had panicked, but she probably would have too if the shoe was on the other foot. His words were earnest and gracious—which she couldn’t say for everyone— and she couldn’t detect any judgement. For all his young boy flaws he had never been judge-y and it was one of her favorite things about him.

***

Nadia was not the jealous, prying type. They had learned to trust their gut instincts. If you observe people enough you will learn who they truly are... and you should always believe them. Sometimes it worked too late, but it always got her through in the end. Portia though? With her... it was had always been easy. She was genuine and trusting. They never asked, but she always shared and they always listened, and so Nadia knew everything there was to know about Leo and Felix and Mandy... They understood Portia’s shames, reliefs, and unfinished businesses. They were happy to allow her space to deal. 

***

They waited until their hug ended to interrupt. “P, I’m gonna get us some drinks. Another gillywater and gin?”

“Oh- yes, thank you darling,” Portia replied, squeezing Nadia’s hand in gratitude before they exited through the stone path she had created.

Felix wondered how a hug so warm and welcomed could leave him feeling so hollow. Why hadn’t they kept in touch? He understood why he and Briony had chosen to go their separate ways, but Portia had been a good friend to him throughout his telenovela love life, and had even been neighbors when they were fresh-faced babes, starting their new jobs in the big city.

He recalled those memories the most clearly. The fire escape talks and the cold nights they’d huddle together under oversized quilts, often with his late lazy bulldog keeping them company. Shared meals, shared jokes—their shared closeness had been stronger than ever and they leaned on each other often in those young adult years.

“You’ve been missed.”

He caught a whiff of a sweet scent, almost like wild berries—present Portia’s scent—and he smiled into the top of her head as he returned her embrace. That’s right. He had this Portia now, even if for a night. And they had plenty they could share again.

Felix looked nervously after Nadia as she casually made her exit, wondering if she thought he was crossing any lines with her partner. He only had Portia’s lead to follow, and she didn’t seem concerned, so he allowed himself to relax. Felix’s smile turned roguish and he offered Portia his arm, facing the direction of the massive carousel and the odd carnival-like kiosks lining the path. The smell of popcorn was making his mouth water and although there was food inside the greenhouse, he rather fancied the idea of enjoying the early evening strolling through the grounds with Portia.

“So… Nadia, was it? Wasn’t she like a 6th year when we were putting on the Sorting Hat for the first time? Tell me everything.”

Portia fit her arm into his with a grin and allowed him to lead the way towards the carousel. Wasn’t it curious how people can flow into simple intimacy after so much time has passed? It was a peculiar feeling, acting on muscle memory so natural yet long abandoned. She expected riding a broom after all these years would give her the same fluttery, expectant feeling.

“So… Nadia, was it? Wasn’t she like a 6th year when we were putting on the Sorting Hat for the first time? Tell me everything.”

“They,” She said simply, wishing it would not require much more explanation. “But yes, they’re older than us... I believe they were a fifth year when we were sorted. To be honest, I never noticed Nadia in school, but then again I only talked to about five people in dear old Hogwarts.” Said Portia, finishing with a self deprecation chuckle.

“A year or so after you moved from Diagonal Alley I moved as well,” she continued, ignoring all the questions that bubbled into the surface. Why did he move? Why did they barely stay in touch? Did he leave because of her or viceversa? Was their perfect little bubble of friendship really ruined by a mutual surrender into an ardent kiss? “Into a community for people like me,” she took a deep breathe before saying “magical... and queer... and that’s how we met.”

Her expectant pause was entirely permeated by the smell of hot butter coming from the kiosk they were now immediately in front of. They stood there—arm in arm, side by side—Portia willing but unable to stare him in the face. The cart acknowledged their presence by filling a red-and-white striped paper bag full of popcorn. It gently floated up between them and she finally looked up to him, waiting for his next move.

He was sure they looked a picture, arm-in-arm as they were. Her sunshine yellow dress paired well with his heather blue ensemble, down to the electric blue socks he would totally pin on being his daughter’s choice, if pressed. Portia always was a classy dame with a classic style. He supposed that was one reason why he’d been drawn to her as kids. They could have been best friends if it weren’t for…

“’They’. Okay.” Felix nodded. With the rise in muggle internet fame, Felix had been exposed to people from all walks of life. As something of an outcast himself, though perhaps not one who’d suffered for it, he had no trouble treating others with the respect they asked for. He was an eager student—even Ripples taught him new things about gender identity from her own gender diverse friends.

Felix plucked the popcorn bag from the air and looked up to the sky thoughtfully. He chewed on the surprisingly hot and buttery popcorn and mulled over this new information. Portia was into women, and men, and other genders. “That’s really interesting. I have a friend who’s into, um, doing drag? You know, he dresses like a woman and puts on these really intricate magical performances.”

His eyes followed the trail of deep purple clouds in the darkening sky, and swallowed another mouthful of popcorn. “I’m not totally sure how prevalent magical drag is, but maybe you know him? His name is Anita Mann. Well, it’s Nelson, but that’s his, uh, her? Stage name.”

He probably sounded like an idiot, but Felix wasn’t too worried about it. He was still learning about the queer community—so far two of his close friends were a part of it and he understood his daughter could also someday be a part of it. His desire to learn was earnest, and so were his mistakes.

Felix looked back down at Portia, pulling her into a half hug. It was really hard not to touch this girl. He’d missed her more than he could say, and couldn’t reconcile these feelings with the last few years of radio silence without feeling guilt weighing his heart down. “I gotta say I’m relieved to see you’re so happy, Porch. Nadia is way cooler than anyone I have literally met in my life, so cheers to that.” He raised an invisible drink to the skies.

And promptly went back to feeling like a pile of dung again. He was happy for her, just wishing he could… have someone say the same about him, but he was quite sure his life was at the cusp of falling to pieces. He didn’t need to lay that all out on Portia though, on the happy day of their mutual friend’s wedding.

So he decided to keep Portia occupied with more questions so she wouldn’t have to ask him about his life. “What on Earth happened in the bridal suite last night? Lewis talked a little about it but I didn’t really get the whole story.”

“That’s really interesting. I have a friend who’s into, um, doing drag? You know, he dresses like a woman and puts on these really intricate magical performances. I’m not totally sure how prevalent magical drag is, but maybe you know him? His name is Anita Mann. Well, it’s Nelson, but that’s his, uh, her? Stage name.”

Any latent hesitation she had felt about coming out and catching up was gently dissolved as he attempted to connect with her world. It was a swirling potion of warmth, relief, and—if she was being honest—some guilt. She helped herself to a handful of the popcorn Felix held, watching him search the skies. She had been busy, mentally and emotionally. Portia had spent the last several years figuring out her place outside of home and outside of Hogwarts, a fresh start so sorely needed she disconnected from everyone in her past. She had missed a selected few and had worked towards reconnecting and fitting them into her new life, but with Felix? She had been a coward. She tried to skim the remorse from the top of her thoughts and focus on the conversation.

“I can’t say that I know them, but some of my friends do drag as well. “ she responded mid-mouthful, picturing Trish ‘N Chips hosting open mic night at the bar. Trish had a saying she liked to share in every one of her performances that—although a wee crass—fit the moment well. If you got one foot in the past and the other in the future you're pissing on today. Yes, she had used every excuse in the book to convince herself reaching out wasn’t worth it, that she wasn’t missed, but did it have to be laid out and examined right now? What explanations did she want to give, or hear? What would it change? She felt his arm reach for a side hug.

“I gotta say I’m relieved to see you’re so happy, Porch. Nadia is way cooler than anyone I have literally met in my life, so cheers to that.”

She let out a delighted laugh at that. “You and me both, Felix,” she admitted, putting a hand on his chest and looking up at his face, which now seemed…sad? Before she could study any further he asked her about last night, distracting her for a spell.

“Believe me, you do not want to know,” she let go of him, walking in front of him and towards the carousel.

It was even more magnificent up close. The detailed engravings blossomed in front of her eyes, recounting a tale of talented craftsmanship and labors of love. She gravitated towards one of the white horses magically levitating around the edge of the circle, the one sporting a red saddle with an embroidered border of pink roses and gold vines. At her touch the horse reanimated, huffing and shaking its salt-and-pepper colored tail. She took hold of the golden pillar next to her and childishly swung back around towards Felix, the chiffon layer of her dress picking up and slowly billowing back down. “Just be glad you where not in our position,” she said and then quickly winced, her mind returning to Abby’s sex speech. Wrong choice of words.

“I don’t want to talk about that, though. I want to know about you. Are you still at the DV?” Her free hand reached out towards him or—more specifically—towards the popcorn bag.

“I will take your word for it,” Felix said carefully, holding his hands up, releasing a breath like a laugh.

Portia had bounded onto the vintage carousel just like his daughter would have. Been enchanted by the finer details of the painted horses just like his daughter would have.

His smile was strange, standing still as Portia gracefully leaned over towards him, backlit warmly from under the glow of the spinning top’s marquee lights. His heart squeezed and he tried to play off his grimace as simply staring into the lights too directly.

In another life—hell, under the right circumstances—Ripples would have fawned over the carousel right alongside Portia, turned to grab popcorn from him then turned right back and urged both he and Portia to mount the magical horses with her. She probably would have worn a yellow dress too, ever her favorite color.

Felix handed off the bag of popcorn to Portia and hopped onto the rotating platform on the other side of the gilded pole. The horse he straddled was frozen in time and did not come to life with his touch. Felix was fine with the faded spell on the wooden animal. Ripples most certainly would have touched every horse on the carriage until they were all neighing in annoying unison. He was aware he hadn’t answered Portia’s question yet, as he settled a personal conundrum.

Felix worried his bottom lip, distractedly running his hand over his steed’s solid mane. He didn’t want to start talking about his life. Not until he introduced the biggest part of it. It was daft of him, he knew, but he already felt disloyal to Ripples by not having her at this wedding. So he just had to spit it out.

“Yeah… Yeah, I’m still at the paper. I’m—uh… I… have a daughter, by the way.” He said this offhandedly, finger-gunning disastrously in her direction. It was at this point that his horse jerked to life beneath him, the whole platform stopping and starting its spin with the force. Felix flapped his arms and clung to the neck of the animated horse, laughing shortly as his heart pounded a staccato in his chest.

“I’m sorry. The paper is fine, it’s just, not really what I want to talk about. And I’m sorry,” he repeated, looking at her with melancholic eyes, shaking his head. “For never telling you. Because she would absolutely adore you.” He took a pause and a breath, looking away as he kept talking. He really didn’t think he could handle the pain he might see in those cherished eyes. “Her name is Ripley. She’s 8.”

The carousel had not stopped its endless gentle journey. There was a light crackling as the speakers on the carousel crooned out a wistful song in the background about old friends, almost lovers, and regrets.

A lot happened at once.

Portia’s white horse had tried to steal the popcorn Felix had handed to her in silence. As she tried to get the bag out of the playful beast’s reach Felix confirmed he was still at the paper, but she was distracted. When he mentioned something about an “otter” she looked up to see him finger gunning. Her brow only had a second to furrow in confusion before the entire platform came to life under their feet. She saw him lurch forward and felt her body jerked backwards, hands reaching towards the gilded pole for balance. She chuckled alongside him, no time to register embarrassment before Felix started speaking again.

“I’m sorry. The paper is fine, it’s just, not really what I want to talk about. And I’m sorry- for never telling you….”

And then…  then he looked into her in the eyes and said-

“...because she would absolutely adore you. Her name is Ripley. She’s 8.”

It felt like she had been hit square in the chest with a body-bind spell. Not an otter… a daughter. A daughter? She clung rigidly to the post, trying to control her thundering heartbeat, her face reading disbelief, her breathing deep and slow. There were simply too many thoughts attacking her.

“Felix!” she exclaimed, jabbing at his shoulder with one hand. “How could you not tell me?” Her voice making her much more betrayed that she had wanted to admit. They owed nothing to each other, and yet... she had really thought, deep in the recesses of her mind, that when something so monumental happened, like a kid—like this wedding—it would be enough of an occasion to pull them back together.

The carousel continued its placid pace. A melancholy song she did not recognize played through the speakers now, as if purposefully looking to add to the tension she had created with her reaction. She cupped his face, delicate but firm, willing him to look at her. She gave him a searching look and an incredulous smile.

“Felix…” And irrational thought pushed forward past all the rest: she could have been hers. Not really of course, but in an alternate future where a lot of choices had been made differently... He had a child. A whole child, for a whole eight years. She felt like crying at the ruthless passage of time. Instead she pulled him into the strongest hug she could muster. It was embarrassing how overwhelmed this news had made her. “That’s amazing,” she mumbled, and added a celebratory kiss on the cheek.

“Tell me about her.”

When she yelled his name, Felix was indeed stupid enough to look at her expectantly. Insert hug here? “Ow!”

“How could you not tell me?”

He nursed the sore spot on his shoulder without much thought—it was his heart that was hurting the most. “I’m sorry, Portia! Truly. I’m a big dumb doofus. I’ve been a big dumb doofus all my life but this takes the cake.” He nearly got down on his knees and prostrated himself before her. He settled for staring down at her delicate white sandals, guilt snaking round the back of his neck.

Like mist, the guilt evaporated as Portia touched his face, then enveloped him in her arms. His horse was pissed, trying and failing to twist its head far enough to nip at either of them. Clearly he disapproved of such emotional outbursts on what was meant to be a jolly ride.

He pinked at her kiss, images unbidden apparating in his head of a time long ago when they relied on each other for everything, and the briefest of kisses shared between them one stormy night under the warmth of couch throws and Elizabeth’s fur that for better or worse (or both) changed their future forever.

“On second thought, she might even be cooler than Nadia. As cool, at the very least. She’s crazy about the environment, wants to save the turtles. Who can blame her, we’ve really fucked the Earth hard, huh,” he said, unthinkingly thrusting a fist under his hand in a slightly obscene gesture. Felix wasn’t looking at Portia, he was looking at Ripples, in his mind’s eye, and he was smiling quite sadly. “She loves to dance, loves to hike, is begging me for some kind of animal, I don’t think it even has to be a dog. Mum and I aren’t together, but we’re tight, we definitely were made to be co-parents together, if… that makes any sense. We get on. Better than most.”

He paused, releasing a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding. His chest was hurting with his heart was pounding so hard. “She doesn’t know about us.” He didn’t mean him and Portia. “This,” he added, spreading his arms to gesture to all the magic, both subtle and not, surrounding them. There were sharp pinpricks hinting at tears behind his eyes—they came suddenly but his voice remained steady. He said the next words, never once uttered before, before he had a chance to stop himself. “And I found out this morning that she’s a witch.”

His tongue felt dry all of a sudden and he added, whilst looking around, allowing the air to soothe his burning eyes for a moment, "Can we—is there a way for me to get a drink from here?"

“On second thought, she might even be cooler than Nadia. As cool, at the very least.”

Her laughter twinkled alongside the music. She finally settled atop her horse, sitting sideways on the saddle, her skirt fluttering in the wind. She listened to Felix’s animated speech, trying to disregard the uncanny valley feeling of it all. She tried and failed to remember a time back in London where the subject of children had come up. It wasn’t weird they hadn’t talked about it—they had been young and broke and barely starting life themselves—but it had not prepared her for Dad Felix.

So, he wasn’t married. She was embarrassed to realize she had not considered the other half of the equation. She wondered what the story was behind their relationship, but bit her tongue. It wasn’t her business to pry, and that wasn’t where she wanted their conversation to go anyways. She meant to comment on how wonderful Ripley sounded, but before she could get a word in he said:

“She doesn’t know about us. This.”

Her breath caught in her throat. He was teary eyed.

“And I found out this morning that she’s a witch.”

Oh boy. Portia let out the breath she’d been holding, eyes wide as if trying to physically view the dilemma he had put before her. Quick assumptions filled in the blanks of her mind. So her mom was a Muggle? Had he been living in the muggle world all this time pretending he wasn’t magical and.. what, exactly? Hoped she was a squib so he wouldn’t have to tell them? Pity spread through her as she looked at him search for answers around the garden. He had put himself into an impossible situation. She couldn’t help but think that this was exactly the kind of thing she had wanted to avoid when she left the muggle world. She would keep that to herself, though.

“Oh, er, well,” she thought about Nadia, who had yet to return with her drink, “I would give you mine, but I don't think I'll get it anytime soon. I think Nadia was trying to give us some space,” she said, flushing behind her ears. She could feel the topic of Ripley pushing at the seams. She wondered if he still carried his wand everywhere.

“I could Accio a bottle of something from the bar,” she said, as matter-of-factly as she could muster, pulling her wand out of her messy chignon once more. She had visions of guests narrowly avoiding a flying bottle coming towards them. It was a dumb idea, but it was all she had. “Any preferences? I’m not sure what pairs well with ‘this amazing thing just happened and i can’t even enjoy it because i have a huge secret to confess.’” She looked at him with a pained smile, hoping self deprecating humor was not out of line.

Right away he knew he shouldn’t have said anything. It was grounding in a way to put it out there, to get it out of his chest, but he still had to do something about it. Nothing, not even Portia, could save him from the enormity of the hill he had to climb. Or maybe it would feel more like free-falling without a broomstick, telling his ex-partner and kid that, surprise! There’s this whole other world where magic is real and the father of her child is a wizard and their daughter a witch.

It may have seemed impossible to someone like Portia who lived in a magical community to forget to mention this simple and kind of crucial fact. Felix reckoned he could make a strong case about how absorbing and brutal the muggle world was on the average person, wizard or no. Just like a muggle, he lived his life with hardly a pause or breath in between. Ripley had been the biggest surprise—everything else became secondary. It didn’t help that he hadn’t kept in frequent touch with anyone from the wizarding part of his life and his job never needed him in the office anymore. He’d compartmentalized too well.

Now it was 8 years later and 8 years too late.

Felix sniffed, coughed out a laugh, and smiled dimly at Portia.

He could feel himself shutting down as intrusive negative thoughts began to invade his mind without much he could say or do. “Yeah. My life, huh?” he snorted. He considered talking about it, but didn’t think he could get through a third of it, not without copious amounts of gin.

“S’all right,” Felix muttered belatedly to her offer, producing his wand. “The back of the greenhouse where the bar’s at is just across from here. Separate entrance for the catering—fewer chances of killing anyone.”

He Accioed a glass instead of a bottle, which whizzed right into his hand without any casualties. With the tip of his wand resting lazily on the brim, he used a Refilling Charm on the glass. The charm only refilled the glass with its original contents, so instead of gin, he got champagne. The same champagne he’d been drinking happily with Briony as they reconnected, before that connection had been abruptly severed by another certain Slytherin and his mouthy Gryffindor companion.

Felix raised his glass against the glowing marquee of the carousel top, studying the bubbles as they fizzed to the surface. His mind had clearly taken a sharp turn somewhere within the last few minutes. When he opened his mouth, it wasn’t to talk about his messy family conundrum as he’d expected. “Did you know… about Briony and Kronos? That they’d been together while she and I were still together?”

What was another dungbomb between old friends?

Portia couldn’t help but to be turned off by Felix bringing forth a single glass and not two. She tried not to judge too harshly, his mind was understandably elsewhere, but it still burned a wee bit. She meant to Accio her own, but this conversation was twisting and turning faster than Portia was able to keep up with.

“Did you know… about Briony and Kronos? That they’d been together while she and I were still together?”

A flashback, 7th year Herbology with the Slytherins. Briony whispering to Isabella about her kiss with Kronos during the summer, like she wasn’t sitting right next to them. Feeling small and confused and threaten. Briony knew she and Felix were friends; whenever she acknowledged her presence she seemed to hate her because of it. Was she testing her, to see if she would go running to Felix with the gossip? Or was she so invisible in this school that no one realized she was always there, listening to all their sins?

When did he learn about this? How did he learn about this? Why in Merlin’s beard was he bringing it up now? There was just too much information to grasp in two minutes.

“Merlin, Felix…” she said getting up from her horse with a jump and turning towards him. “Yeah, I knew. People say a lot of things when they don’t think someone’s listening.” Hey voice vacillated between irritation and condolence. “But that was a lifetime ago, what about your- situation- now?”

The whiplash from all his revelations where getting her all flustered. She could feel the beads of sweat forming on her back, and the carousel was making her dizzy. The Bubbleweed joint Nadia had pinned to the lining of her dress as a joke was burning against her skin, begging to be lit.

“I need to climb down. Arresto Momentum.”

The carousel slowed down to a full stop. Portia stepped out of the platform and back into the garden grass, giving Felix her back. She pulled at the straps of her dress, enough for her to pull out the spliff that had been laying against her breast. “I’m gonna smoke this,” she said, holding it up for him to see. “You can join me if you wish.”

Felix heard Portia’s response, but it was distant. Like he was lost miles beneath the surface of his mind. So, she knew. Did everyone know except for him? Why hadn’t she told him? Why didn’t Briony—why did he care? He had about a million other more pressing matters begging for his attention.

When Portia announced she needed to climb down, he stirred. She’d put the whole damn carousel to a stop. Felix started, looking around the carousel for any stragglers, but if there were any, they must have been on the other end. He scrambled to catch up and hopped off the platform after her.

Then Portia seemed to start to undress. Felix spluttered, face red like he’d swallowed a Skiving Snackbox Fever Fudge, but immediately balked when she flourished what looked like a joint at him and invited him to join her in smoking it.

“What’s happening?” he managed weakly, still following her. “Is that real?” he sputtered again as he got an up-close look. It looked like a Muggle joint, but the color was off—unnatural—which pointed at magic being involved. Felix was a strict tobacco man. Ex-tobacco man. He’d finally kicked the habit upon Ripples entering his life. The hardest drug he’d ever tried was imported Gigglewater.

“I—…” Felix was standing to Portia’s side, staring at her somber profile. His heart gave out. Immediately he reached out to stroke her cheek. “Ok. I’m already fucked, so let’s make it official. I’ll tell you everything while I’m at it.”

“What’s happening? Is that real?”

A slight, mischievous smirk passed through her lips. She studied him for a moment, savoring that now he was the flustered one.

“Wouldn’t you like to know,” she said, feeling bold. She was not trying to be flirty, but she did relish creating a feeling of expectation. She had first felt it when performing for the crowd at The Well, and then again in her first successful piano lesson. Portia lit the tip of her blunt using her wand, which produced soft swirls of lavender colored smoke.

“I-- Ok. I’m already fucked, so let’s make it official. I’ll tell you everything while I’m at it.”

Her lip curled upwards to the cheek he had caressed. “So he does trust me.”

“It’s very mellow, tastes great,”—she took a deep drag—“just... don’t follow the pixies,” she informed him while slowly exhaling a string of knut-sized iridescent bubbles. The bubbles aligned into a ring around her face, much like a halo, and popped to unveil the scent of fresh laundry and Nadia’s skin. Portia inhaled in satisfaction, wondering what it would smell like for Felix. She extender her arm towards him, presenting the offering between her long, delicate fingers.

“Before we get into it- relish this. Tell me what it’s like. You always did have a gift for words.”

“Did you just say pixies?” Felix chuckled nervously as she led them back to the fringes of the garden a few meters from the carousel.

He watched her studiously as she easily lit and puffed from the tiny club-shaped cigarette. Blunt, it was a blunt, and he was only slightly terrified. And the smoke was soft and a strangely alluring which he wasn’t entirely enticed by, not until it reached his nose.

“What in Amortentia’s name is this sorcery?” He sniffed carefully at the air again around the proffered blunt, his eyes wide and head slightly tilted. He reached for it just as carefully, held it warm between his fingers. Feeling very much like a dad trying to be hip, Felix tried a puff, drawing in the lavender smoke, and quite against himself, smiling as he felt the tiny bubbles materialize in his mouth as he expelled the air.

“I’m reminded strangely of my childhood tendency of blowing bubbles into my pop with a straw.” Felix waited a beat before amending, “All right, my teenage tendency.”

Then the bubbles burst and one by one he was transported via his sense of smell again. “Oh, yes,” he started, positively giggling. “That’s wicked. It’s the shampoo Ripples uses, it smells like sweet coconut and papaya.” He sniffed again and shot her a sideways glance. “Peppermint tea.”

The third scent was eluding him. He had his lips pressed into a thin line, one eye squeezed shut as he poured all his efforts into identifying it. “It’s… very nice, obviously. Aromatic, a little leathery. It’s warm and smoky. And fucked if I know what it is.” All the nice smells had done a very good job of distracting him from all the bullshit.

He took another puff and passed it back to Portia as he peeked over his shoulder to make sure there were no curious passersby. “It’s your turn to spill now, Islad.”

Giggles flowed from Portia with ease, amused by his wonder. “Very astute Nicon,” she heard herself blurt out, exactly as if she were complementing one of her young students. It was rather mortifying to hear her teacher instinct jump out like that.

“Don’t worry, it won’t make you moony for me,” she added, fluttering her lashes and holding her hands to her chest for the full, cheeky effect.

It’s the shampoo Ripples uses, it smells like sweet coconut and papaya. An almost pained look swept over Portia, her heart melting over his scent proclivity. She had forgotten how entirely charming Felix was; how deliciously sensitive his heart could be. She took a deep breath and bit her lip, briefly wishing they could share the same scent. “Peppermint tea,” he said.

The brunette exhaled in delight, a new set of giggles spilling out. She shook her head and looked to the heavens, attempting to brush off the massive wave of nostalgia that hit her. Peppermint tea remained a favorite to this day, forever a reminder of quiet moments with Felix’s younger self. So much warmth and love enveloped Portia it didn’t occur to her that his predilection may not be based on the same fond memories. It did occur to her, however, this batch of weed may have the slightest boost of Amortentia.

She decided to sit on the grass next to a low wall of Hydrangea bushes. She figured the flowering shrubs would better hide the bubbles and the smoke. Plus, her feet were tired - even when Portia had made the excellent decision not to wear heels. While Felix described more scents, her mind wandered. She felt a tad guilty about leaving Nadia to fend for themselves at a stranger’s wedding, and about smoking the joint they had rolled without them. As Nadia’s scent surrounded her she hoped they had found some entertainment at the bar and made a mental note to make up for their time apart later tonight.

Her fingers absentmindedly caressed his as she transported the joint back between her lips. She took a second drag while motioning him to sit beside her.

It’s your turn to spill now, Islad.

A dainty cough escaped her while a not-so-dainty blush rose to her cheeks. A clumped mass of bubbles broke out and popped all-together right at the tip of her nose. The scent of freshly baked bread engrossed her nostrils. Underneath that--understated, but certainly present--was the smell of Nadia’s inner thighs, anointed with perfume after a long bath. A shiver went through her, making her blush even more furiously. She felt positively sixteen.

“Er, well... I must be hungry, all I smell is bread and thighs.” Even though she had tried to keep her answer vague, her subconscious snitched and her wording alluded to salacious thoughts. “I- I mean,” - she coughed a teeny bubble - “I find mine are always connected to warmth- to heat,” She spoke fast now, trying to recover. “The smell of a fireplace at the beach, freshly pressed laundry, perfumed skin… you know.” Merlin, she couldn’t even look at him. She settled on taking small puffs while hoping her flush would dissipate.

“I could go for some bread and chicken thighs myself.” Felix nodded approvingly, his addled and distracted brain completely misinterpreting Portia’s flustered state with her natural predisposition to getting shy over sharing personal information. “There’s this place nearby that’s got amazing fried chicken. It’s called Pies ‘n’ Thighs. Got amazing desserts too. We should go someday with Nadia.” Merlin, he had to stop thinking about food—there’d be no stopping him once he got started.

He nicked the blunt from her fingers once he was sure she’d finished and took another puff. As the notes of coconut hit him again, his mind sharpened, strangely enough almost pulling him out of the high they were slowing building up. But he took another hit, placed the mouth end of the blunt between Portia’s soft knuckles, and laced his own fingers together, cupping his knee to his chest as he stretched out his other leg on the grass before him.

“I am royally fucked,” he giggled. “I mean—… I’m fucked.” He shrugged like it was as simple as that. But at least he was smiling and his head felt like it was full of fuzzy Pygmy Puffs.

“Ripples’ mom is a Muggle. She’s quite amazing—I honestly believe you’d love her more than me. We’re not together, haven’t been for most of the time we’ve had Ripley. I think she of all people would understand, but I feel like I’ve been taking her brains for granted. Just because she’s clever and would understand if I told her about Ripley being a witch and me being a wizard, it doesn’t entirely negate the fact that I… never told her about that part of me to begin with. D’you know what I mean?”

When Felix turned with a sigh to look at Portia, there was an electric blue pixie standing on her head. He lunged forward to try to trap it but it flew away at the last second. No. He moved too slow. His reflexes were slowing down. “Uhhh…. Porch—sorry, sorry!” He added, sitting back confused, knowing he must have scared her. “There was a pixie on your head. Except now I remembered you mentioned pixies. Merlin, so that wasn’t real?”

Felix’s naiveté about her confession made her blush even redder. While he spoke about food she anxiously smiled and nodded, hoping he wouldn’t suddenly realize what she meant. She fluffed her skirt over her extended legs and a baby pixie cartwheeled around it in quite an expert fashion. She considered how such a young pixie could be so gracefully limber and had to remind herself that it wasn’t real.

I am royally fucked. I mean—… I’m fucked.

“Well,” she whispered - taking another toke - smiling back as she shook her head side to side, giving him a more-or-less gesture. She listened carefully, gathering the details of the situation.

I… never told her about that part of me to begin with. D’you know what I mean?

“I do, but i mean...“

Before Portia could fully formulate her thought she saw his arms lung towards her head. She ducked down quickly enough, but she could feel the hairs in the crown of her head had been ruffled by his sleeve. He laughed openly and loudly, her head bending back in delight. The weed had officially kicked in.

Merlin, so that wasn’t real?

“It’s not, but it is dancing a mocking jig around your head,” she continued to chuckle, flattening her tresses, her eyes a little cross eyed as she followed the pixie shake it’s lil’ bum on top of Felix’s thick hair. The Bubbleweed was making her thirsty.

“Hey Felix, I’m gonna be right back,” she said, balancing what was left of the joint on his knee and pulling herself up to her feet again. She took a second to regain balance and with a sound pop she Apparated out of the garden. She landed as intended in front of the drooping willow branches hiding the bar. When she pushed then aside she was glad to find Nadia had found company and was animatedly chatting with a lady she didn’t recognize. Her Gillywater and gin was waiting for her; by now the ice had completely melted and the glass was covered in thick drops of condensation. She smiled at the back of their head, swiftly stole the glass before she would be seen, and Apparated back to Felix’s side.

“Hi sorry, I was getting Pygmy mouth,” she explained matter-of-factly. She unceremoniously dumped the watery drink on top of a bush next to them and filled the glass back up using a refilling charm, just like he had done a few moments before. She sat back down on the grass, this time crossing her ankles while trying her best to not spill the drink.

“Cheers, darling,” she said as she cocked her drink towards him and gave him a dashing grin. Without waiting for him to do the same Portia drank a big gulp and and bellowed an inelegant burp. She laughed again, shame receding to the back of her mind. “So," -- she tried her best to put on a straight face -- “Let me get this right. You briefly dated a muggle and didn’t tell her you were a wizard- understandable. Then she got pregnant, gave birth, and eight years happened and you still didn’t drop that nugget during dinner?” She couldn't help but smirk. “What were you thinking?” she was giggling before she could finish, giggles where now uncontainable. She really did want an answer to her question, though. She needed to know the why, the deeper why. The why that stopped him from saying anything until it got to the point where it was too late to say anything.

“Blimey, okay,” Felix agreed vaguely as Portia disapparated with the lightest pop he’s ever heard. He kept his eyes trained on the dancing pixie. It kept mocking him. “Yes, yes, laugh away. You’re not a very good dancer by the way. I can dance better than that.” The pixie didn’t seem fazed by Felix’s criticism—didn’t even seem to hear him until another pixie came along, this one bigger, buffer (can pixies be… buff?) and it started to dance rather impressively alongside the other. Felix clapped appreciatively. The first pixie didn’t like that and shoved at the bigger one, who shoved back, which started a scuffle between the two. Felix could only ponder, what an elaborate hallucination.

Portia returned and Felix was glad to focus on her again and ignore the pixies. He smiled fondly at high Portia. She carried a slightly louder and sillier presence under the influence of Bubbleweed, it seemed, that he couldn’t recall of the Hufflepuff when they were younger. It really helped to make sense of how she would be drawn to someone as loud and silly as he, and the other loud persons she chose to love and surround herself with. He liked both quiet and loud Portia, very much. Even as she asked to learn how he could possibly have made such an obvious mistake in parenting.

Felix thought of the early turmoil he and Tessa suffered through, both when the pregnancy happened and in the few years that followed. The struggle to adapt to a new life. Then the struggle to defy the expectations of what a successful family should look and function like. Now the struggle to maintain a sense of balance and normalcy in both their separate/conjoined parenting lives and the life of their child. This was purely Muggle trouble—his magic had never once come into play. He didn’t think it wise to bring it into the fray. It never seemed like the right time to bring up another destabilizing truth that could potentially upend their lives or traumatize their kid when they were doing a pretty decent job at not screwing her up. Truthfully Felix didn’t start showing his own magic until he was 9 (he was a late bloomer), so he also thought he had more time left if she did show any signs of magic. But as soon as what happened that morning happened, the reality of the situation dropped on him like an anvil. That letter was coming, no ifs or buts about it.

“That’s sort of an impossible question.” Felix was staring listlessly at the pair of pixies still brawling on the field before him. “It’s too many things that in the end really doesn’t amount to anything. I know it’s a question at least Tessa will ask, but I doubt any answer I can give you or them would be good enough or sound like anything less than a heaping pile of dung. And it shouldn’t be enough—yes, life has been a whirlwind as a single dad even with the support of the best co-parent ever, and 8 years may seem like a long time but it really isn’t, not when there’s a kid involved—but, all I know is I have to make it right. Hopefully without destroying my family in the process. Any ideas?” he asked her comically at the end, still trying to add humor to the bleak scenario.

His butt was starting to fall asleep so he stood up and nearly toppled sideways into another petunia bush. Instead he held on to the wooden bench next to them and deposited himself on it like a giant on miniature furniture, taking up the whole bench horizontally with his legs planking out on one end like popsicle sticks and his head propped up uncomfortably on the other arm rest.

They both stared at the pixies as he talked. The pair went from brawling to kissing and rolled away into the privacy of a bush and out of their collective hallucinating minds. Portia listened intently, actively willing her mind to sober up. Bubbleweed was meant to lift you up, to lighten the mood, but this was clearly not the conversation for uncontrollable giggling. She put out the little stub of joint that was left and plucked it behind her ear to smoke with Nadia later. She took a big gulp of her drink, trying to come up with a helpful reply.

Portia looked up at Felix as he stood up, briefly towering over her before he lost his balance. Still reasonably high, laughter bubbled out of her lips. She brought her long fingers to her mouth to silence the giggles and whispered a quick apology as he ploped himself into the bench a half meter away. She crawled towards the foot of the bench, which was much too small for Felix’s tall figure to lay in. Once sitting she stretched her body back to retrieve her half empty glass and gave a big sigh.

“Felix,” she started. As Portia crossed her ankles she noticed the grass stains on the pale chiffon of her skirt. Unperturbed - she was excellent at laundry spells - she rested her hands on the canopy the fabric formed atop her lap, nursing her drink. She watched tiny carbonated bubbles dance inside the glass. When she pulled back to look at the night sky her head nestled right into Felix’s side.

“I don't know them,” she started truthfully, pacing her words, “so I can’t speak on how best to tell them… and I can only imagine how they would react. But if life - and stories - have taught us anything, it’s that waiting for the perfect moment is a fool’s game.” She shifted her head sideways towards his face, briefly noticing the comfort of his warm, soft middle smushed against her plump cheek. She searched for his eyes. “You should tell them as soon as possible, scary as the outcome may be,” she advised him in earnest, candidly visible in her eyes. There was a beat of silence before she spoke again.

“Besides, you only have nice things to say about them, I’m sure with time they’ll understand. There’s enough stable, half-blood kids out there to prove it will be alright in the end.” She gave him what she hoped was a comforting smile.

“I missed you,” Portia blurted before she ever registered she was thinking it. She had already noted this to him earlier, but this time it was positively dripping with melancholy. Seemed like forcing herself to sober up from all the alcohol and weed had transfigured into a bout of unchecked emotion inside her.  “Why did we never reach out to each other?” - she couldn’t stop herself from asking - “why did we lose the friendship we had?” Her eyes threaten to water and she forced her face back towards studying her cocktail.

“I’m sorry, we were talking about you,” she lamely backtracked, trying to keep her tone light.